HOT DOG
by ShadowMecha
Summary: Yeah, thanks Tavia... you've already reviewed. Many thanks. But now the rest of you need to R&R. Now. Awahahaha!
1. Hot Dog

Disclaimer: Don't kill me, I forgot to say it earlier. Heh-heh-ehem. *stands up on soapbox* I don't own Ballpark Franks! *gets off soapbox*

PS. I don't own Star Trek either, but Ballpark Franks are more important. To me. Not.

Review Replies:

Broken Infinity: FIRST REVIEW!!! YYAAYY!!! Thankies much.

I_am_bug: Yeah, TTFP... heh heh. Can't wait until I post that chapter. Heh-heh.

Arr

And now...

HOT DOG

CHAPTER ONE: The Phaser

Hik leaned back against the stump, pulling the laden stick off the fire.

"Mm," he said, chewing on a hot dog. "Nothing like good old fashioned Ballpark Franks. Earth food."

His long black hair flew into his face, and he sighed, brushing it away. The breeze had blown his joke away to some far-flung place. Joke? Oh, it had hardly been that. He was missing his friends from home. There was Doc, and Jimmy, and of course his all time pal Pav. Ah, Pav. The times they'd shared. They'd gotten lost in Yellowstone, they'd made fun of their seniors- Heck, they'd shot Klingons.

Even as he though these things, there was a beeping from his back pocket. A familiar beep, a beep he loved...

His communicator. Actually, it was more of a chirp. But cowpokes were not suppoed to be politically correct. They were supposed to burp and not take showers. The latter was nothing new to him, but Hikaru had never quite got the hang of burping. He let the thought blow away and reached for his communicator.

"Hello, Hikaru speaking," he said, not knowing what else to say.

"I vould like a Ballpark Frank and a side order off fries, pleese. And a largish sort of cola, eef you've got von," came the reply.

"Pavvy!" cried Hikaru. "Pavvy, where are you?"

"Look up."

And Hikaru looked up.

"Pavvy?" he asked into the communicator, even though his friend stood only a few feet away. Pavel A Chekov, Weapons Control, giggled like and underage schoolgirl with a newfound fondness for vodka, which Hikaru realized was not an inaccurate assesment.

"Isn't it a surprise?" asked his younger pal. "I thought you'd like eet."

Hikaru still stared.

"Pav, how'd you get in here?" he asked, aghast. "I thought-"

"It took me three days to break the lock. But I got it vith my phaser. Now lose the vig and come vit me. De Keptin vishes to speak vit you."

Hikaru did as he was told, but as they left the hologram, he couldn't help muttering "Dammit, thought I'd locked the door this time."


	2. Revenge

Disclaimer: Don't own Star Trek. Won't own it in the forseeable future. Don't own Ballpark Franks. See note on Star Trek. Paramount owns the one. Someone owns Ballpark Franks. Not me. Wish I did. And Chekov is © his own yummy self.

Chekov is my honey-bun. Bring back Kirk. There's a postcard push to bring him back, this month only. You want the address, R&R and I'll post it. This is blackmail. Get over it.

R&R Replies: Kersneezy

And now...

HOT DOG

CHAPTER TWO: Chekov's Revenge in Refence to That One Book

"Keptin," said Chekov, "I found him."

"Playing in the holodeck again?" asked Kirk.

"Captain, that is highly illogical," said Spock from near sickbay door. "There is no holodeck on the Enterprise 1701 or 1701 A. In fact, they have not been invented yet."

"Shut up," growled McCoy. "Sulu's having another identity crisis. Or at least he's under stress."

"Sulu ees under stress?" asked Chekov hurridly. "Really?"

"Don't spread it around, Chekov!" hissed the good Doc.

"Really?" asked Chekov, ignoring him completely. "Oh, good thing, too. I vas looking for a revenge." He sprinted over to the intercom. "Hello?" he said, pushing the big red button. "Hello. Hello. And hello again. Sulu's under stress."

The whole ship rocked as the crew roared with laughter.

"Chekov," moaned McCoy, but the vengeful Russian was running out into the halls to laugh his tushie off. Spocks face appeared blank, but his ears were twitching madly in attempt to keep him from laughing. He followed Kirk out of sickbay, the Captain laughing up his sleeve.

Sulu, lying on one of the Medibeds, sighed and rolled his eyes. "Chekov sure likes his revenge."

McCoy just rolled his eyes.

"Hey!" said Nurse Chapel, walking into the room, chewing on a Ballpark Frank in a Mighty Whitey Wheaty® hot dog bun (A/N: I made up that name, by the way. So you won't see Mighty Whitey Wheaty® in the disclaimer.) "Hello Sulu. I heard you were under stress."

Sulu rolled his eyes. "Uh-huh."

"Well, bye!" said Nurse Chapel.

Sulu sighed. "I hate that boy."

"No you don't," said the ol' Doc. He left the room, chuckling madly about something. Sulu was afraid he knew what it was.

"Kerblah," said Sulu in a depressed kind of way.

"Hey!" said Uhura, walking into the room, chewing on a Ballpark Frank in a Mighty Whitey Wheaty® hot dog bun. "Hello Sulu. I heard you were under stress."

Sulu only grunted.

"You don't look so good," siad Uhura in worried tones.

Sulu grunted again.

"Well be that way!" said Uhura, stomping out of the room in a huff.

"This is my own private torment," muttered Sulu. "I'm getting back to the holodeck before that dead KHAN or someone shows up."

"Hey!" said KHAN, walking into the room, chewing on a Ballpark Frank in a Mighty Whitey Wheaty® hot dog bun. "Hello- I know you. I never forget a face mister - Uh, what your name? Anyway, the man who's under stress, right?"

But Sulu was already gone.

"Dammit," muttered Khan, "I just wanted to say that the Klingons were right - it's very cold in space, especially when your face looks like a pizza. Ah well, I guess I'll go kill Kirk. Come along guys."

Some very small and menacing shadows followed him out the door.


	3. Of KHAN and other little things

My alarm clock is © Advance. My computer is © Mac. My favorite book is © Tolkein Enterprises. My dog is not ©. I am © Wizards of the Coast, or at least I wish I were. The One Ring is © Sauron. Star Trek is © Paramount. George Foreman Grills are © George Foreman. All things Willy Wonka are © Roald Dahl. This is the way of things, it shall not be undone.

And now...

HOT DOG

CHAPTER THREE: Of KHAN and Other Little Things

Sulu sat back in his luxury Hawaiian beach apartment, leaning back in his recliner and blinking one heck of a lot. The George Foreman grill sizzled away and Sulu wanted to do something useful but he didn't know what the plot was yet and besides, he liked Hawaii. Then all Hell broke loose and he learned the plot in a not-very-good way.

The intercom turned on.

This was no biggie. The intercom was normal and turning it on was also normal. It was the voices that came out over the intercom that Sulu found unusual. And also the message they carried.

"Oompa Loompa, doopity dee

This line was made up by a dumb company

But being Oomps, we don't agree

We won't bow down, we Oomps are free!"

And then there was a voice screaming "PULL THAT LEVER!" And then there was dead silence.

And then the ship rocked again as the ENTIRE UNIVERSE (A/N: And I mean Andorians and Tellerites and Klingons and Romulans and Tribbles and even Cyrano Jones as he picked up the Tribbles ENTIRE UNIVERSE when I say that) cracked up and really hurt themselves laughing.

"OOMPA LOOMPA REBALLION!" they all laughed.

And then there was more silence as the GRAVITY of the SITUATION began to sink in.

The SITUATION part was because suddenly shipwide GRAVITY lost control.

And then all the doors on the ship flew open.

And then almost six hundered Oompa Loompas went shooting around the Enterprise 1701 A, propelling themselves just the way Willy Wonka had taught Charlie and his family to do it. Ensigns hovered in the air, screaming bloody Oopma Loompa and having Oompa Loompas bounce off them by the dozen.

And then KHAN said something over the intercom and everyone one froze.

"Is there not an old Klingon proverb that says revenge is a dish best served cold?"

Silence.

"Well revenge is so cold it gives me a brain freeze. I hate anti-grav. We're all leaving."

Silence.

A transporter beamed everyone but KHAN and one very unlucky Oompa Loompa off the Enterprise 1701 A. Then KHAN beamed off. The last Oompa Loompa was what had been sizzling in the G.F. Grill. But this was not the plot. Not even close. The garvity returned but this was STILL not the plot. Because the weird song was not what had come over the intercom. What had come over the intercom was a very serious and very cold voice. It had been lost among the tumult, but now that the only sound on the ship was of the frying Oompa Loompa, the repeated message could be heard quite clearly.

"We are to _Shhingr'ret Ny'aar._ We are going to kill you."

Silence. And then...

Sulu had been racing for the command center, and he stumbled to a halt inside the entrance to the bridge. Even as he tiptoed toward his station, a message came to the bridge.

"JESUS CHRIST, JIM!" yelled Doctor McCoy over the suddenly quiet intercom. "THEY'VE TURNED OFF THE OXYGEN MAKER! WE HAVE NO MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES TO REPAIR IT!"

Kirk took in a sharp breath. "Scotty?" he asked a moment later. "Scotty?"

"Nay, Cap'n," said the Scot grimly.

"What?" asked Kirk.

"I can't even hope to repair it in less than an hour."

"Scotty, your our miracle worker. You HAVE to fix it. Or I'll- I'll blacklist you!"

"Please, sir," said Scotty quietly, "Don't let me die without even the wee bairns, these engines. Let me die here with 'em."

And then everybody on the bridge knew.

The term "all hell broke loose" had not been used in vain. And then...


	4. And Meanwhile on the Shhingr'ret Ny'aar

Disclaimer: I ate Star Trek for breakfast. If I hadn't eaten it, it would be © Paramount.

I think I'll leave a long comment here. You have to read it. Because it's a cliffhanger, right? So I'll give you a good and cheery moment.

HOT DOG

CHAPTER FOUR: And Meanwhile on the _Shhingr'ret Ny'aar_...

The captain of the ship _Shhingr'ret Ny'aar_ was a pretty reasonable guy. But this was a flippin' bad day, and nobody could deny that. First his Earth coffee had been cold. Then his Ballpark Frank on it's yummy Mighty Whitey Wheaty © hot dog bun had had too much mustard. The second one had had too little. He had found out his wife hated him. His kids had tried to kill him. This was typical.

It was the fact that he had seen the Starship Enterprise that really sent him off the hook.

He hated Kirk.

After all, who didn't? He kissed every girl he met. He killed all the enemies. He always won.

Plus Kirk was the man his wife thought was the most REALLY SUPER in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. And so Grinko hated Kirk. Because anybody his wife liked, Grinko hated.

So Grinko of the _Shhingr'ret Ny'aar_ was a-gonna kill Kirk. It was pretty simple. The Star Fleet Officers were pretty stupid sometimes.

Grinko ordered that the _Shhingr'ret Ny'aar_ leave the Quadrant. And he laughed a heck of a lot as he thought about the fact that he, Grinko, might finally be he one to kill Kirk.

Unless, of course, Kirk had a backup plan. 

Not likely.


	5. Ok, Back to the Plot But Only if You R&R

I don't own anything. Not Star Trek, not Disney, not Shatner (thank God), not Haldir (HE DIDN'T DIE). I'm feeling depressed now. R&R. Please. Hey wait, I do own Haldir. He's mine. Get your grimy mits off. See my Elfwood page? It SAYS I'm gently stroking Haldir. Take that. He's mine. But he's not in the story. That's really depressing. I'll post him later.

HOT DOG

CHAPTER FIVE: Ok, Back to the Plot. But Only if You R&R.

Most people thought that Tribby's Tribbalia Fun Planet © (A/N: MINE!! ALL MINE!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!) was a really fun place. Kirk had always wanted to go there. His life flashed before his eyes and he realized he'd never gone. If they somehow madly lived through this, he'd take the crew there for shore leave.

He promised himself this as the last three seconds of his life happened rather dramatically. Then Scotty laughed over the intercom and the thin air returned to normal.

"Scotty!" yelled Kirk "How did you do it?"

"Ah pushed the 'Generate Oxygen' button, Cap'n!"

"Scotty, you're un-Blacklisted. But I hate you. Sulu!" he said, flipping on the shipwide intercom. "Set course for Gamma Hydra Billionty-Zeenth! The whole crew is taking a shore leave on Tribby's Tribbalia Fun Planet."

"Keptin!" cried the entire crew. "You can't be serious!"

"I am."

"YAY!!!" said everybody really loud. "Is it true what he've heard about the free gifts?"

"Yep," said Kirk-o boy. "You each get a free 'fixed' tribble. (A/N: I want one! And Jas wants a free 'fixed' Chekov.)"

And so Sulu set his course and got over his stress because the idea of a free 'fixed' tribble just kinda works that way.

Short one this time, I'll post again soon. I hope Jasmine reads this one... and the next one... heh heh... And don't flame me about my silly friend. She's not my fault. Heh heh heh heh heh... evil...


	6. And a Tribby is What?

Disclaimer: I'm going to tell the truth. I own Star Trek. I own Paramount. I also own Hershey and Ballpark Franks. Wanna make something of it?

HOT DOG

CHAPTER SIX: And a Tribby is What?

One might ask what a Tribby is. Many people have. Tribby is not a "what". Tribby is a who. Tribby is a giant talking tribble. Tribby owns Tribby's Tribbalia Fun Planet. Tribby itslef came up with the idea. Tribby runs the fun park. Tribby makes more money than Bill Gates. But Tribby did not build the park. Tribby did not help draw the blueprints. Tribby didn't lift a finger to help with the parks construction. And you know why?

Tribby doesn't have a fiunger to lift. Tribby is a Tribble. Tribby dicatated it's ideas and Tribby gets it's manservant to write checks and but the groceries. And Tribby is a genious.

Tribby designed Tribby's Tribbalia Fun Planet.

There is no higher genious.

Basically the Fun Planet is a whole bunch of corperations brought together into a planet-sized theme park. There are stadiums about the size of foot-ball fields. Two opposite walls have giant television screens. They each project the same movie. A huge speaker, which doubles as a roof projects the soundtrack. Seats face both directions and are not barely aware that a movie is behind them.

There are a good many of these theaters. They play classic movies, Disney moives, which are as follows.

Pirates of the Carribean, Peter Pan, Snow White, Old Yeller, Aladdin, The Jungle Book (A/N: Bungaloo is NOT the bear's name, Jas! It's not called The Adventures of Bungaloo the Bear! Get help!), Alice in Wonderland, Tribble's Great Escape, an Andorian Holiday, Vulcan in a Speedo(A/N: NOT wishful thinking, Jas...), and Romulan Ail (A/N: Bad joke). They used to show Beauty and the Klingon until the movie was banned for polotical reasons.

The audiance drinks Hershey's Chalkolate (A/N: See Romulan Ail note) and pets their free fixed tribbles. And the tribbles purr. And the audiance is happy.

And Tribby reaps in the millions.

And Kirk wants to visit Tribby's Tribbalia Fun Planet.

And that's only half the planet. Kirk didn't even know about the giants theme park...


	7. Tribby's Tribbalia Fun Planet

Disclaimer: **_Things I own_**: My version of Maiden of Pain, Aster, The Silver Shadows Trilogy, Mighty Whitey Wheaty, Tribby's Tribbalia Fun Planet, and every other world or place or thing I've created. **_Things I don't own_**: Star Trek and all other things owned by Paramount, Hershey, or Disney. Big frippin' DUH.

HOT DOG

CHAPTER SEVEN: Tribby's Tribbalia Fun Planet

"Whoo!" yelled Kirk. "Women in bikinis! Is this place great or what!"

All other members of the crew groaned.

"CAPTAIN!" they said in unison.

Kirk just stared and drooled.

"I'm leaving the water park, Jim!" called Spock loudly. And he turned to go in the general direction of the roller coasters. Bones tagged along.

"Good call, Spock," he said. "Let's go have some fun."

"My intention was not to 'have fun', doctor. It was to keep the Captain from making some, ah, I think I shall say 'hasty decisions'. In case you didn't notice, some of those women were Orions."

"I noticed all right. And it's more fun getting out of there than staying with the Captain when he's like this. He's not tagging along, but it's all the same to me."

"I am not an expert on fun," siad pock, looking over his shoulder, "but I believe you may be correct in this matter."

"Sure I am. Ooh, Spock, look, let's go on the ROLLER-COASTER TRIBBLE BOUNDER CORKSCREW OF FLAME!" suggested McCoy.

"I have no objections to offer," said Spock placidly.

"That's new," muttered McCoy, but not loud enough for Spock to hear.

The ROLLER-COASTER TRIBBLE BOUNDER CORKSCREW OF FLAME was a blast. (A/N: Seriously. Blast. Literally. Like BOOM. Blast. Exploision.) Spock was intelligent and kept his wits about him and sat up straight and let the wind wreak havoc on his perfect hair. Doctor McCoy threw up his arms and closed his eyes and yelled and therefore didn't see the sign.

"WARNING: FLAMES AHEAD! PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN!"

McCoy was glad he'd brought his medikit with him. As he wrapped his scalded hands in bandages, applied skin patches to the serious injuries, and muttered, he let Spock pick out a more sedate ride.

"Was that 'fun', doctor?" asked Spock seriously, though his ears were twitching again.

"Shut up and pick a ride," muttered Bones.

"This looks safe enough," said Spock pointing to the map.

"Uh, Spock?" asked Bones, giving the Vulcan a stare of hitherto unaparalled terror, "have you gone crackers?"

"Crackers, doctor?" asked Spock calmly. "No, doctor, I am still flesh and bone if that's what you-"

"KISSING TOWER?" yelled Bones.

"Doctor, please try to calm yourself. I was indicating the water show," said Spock, his ears twitching so hard the prosthetics almost fell off.

Bones heaved a sigh of relief. "Righty-ho. Let's get a move on."

"Very well."

The water show was innocent and fun and happy until the Andorian Blackandbluewater Snakefish jumped out of the pool and bit Spock's ear.

If McCoy had been Vulcan, he might have offered assistance. If McCoy had been half Vulcan, he might have twitched his ears. But McCoy was not remotely Vulcan. He fell out off his seat laughing and slapping his two huge bandages together in what might have been applause.

"So," said Spock as the wandered around with their respective cups of Dip 'n Dots, "now what?"

"I don't care. You pick, Spock."

"I suggest we see a movie."

"Which movie?"

Spock twitched his ears.

Vulcan in a Speedo was better than he doctor McCoy might have expected. Or at least the first five minutes were. Then it began to rain and the power went out and the theter was struck by lightening. Lightening that hit the arm between where two people were sitting.

No prizes for guessing which two.

Spock and Bones left the theater once the rain stopped. A rainbow was only just visible, but McCoy didn't notice it.

They found the rest of the senior crew at the water park.

"We sent the rest o' 'em back tae the ship when it was rainin'," said Scotty. "We had to find the Captain."

"So did you guys have fun?" asked Bones gloomily.

"No way!" said Chekov. "We just tried to keep the Keptin out of trouble."

"We found him-" began Uhura

"About three hours after you guys abandoned us-" said Sulu bitterly.

"Making out vith an Orion-" continued Chekov.

"Ye c'n guess why his face is all green, aye?" said Scotty, his voice prickling with disgust.

"She left with a big Orion male! Much less handsome then me, I tell you..." grumped Kirk.

"So," asked Uhura, "you boys have fun?"

McCoy was about to say no, but then he looked at the crew. They were soaking, glaring, miserable- He could admit that his day was worse then theirs or he could tell them-

"It was great."

Spock opened his mouth to speak. McCoy wanted to hurridly explain what he was doing., but to his surprise Spock didn't argue.

"Actually," the Vulcan said, "I beleive we had a very 'fun time'."

McCoy nodded.

"You guys beam up," he said seriously, "then get us."

The senior crew nodded gloomily. Uhura hailed the ship and a they diappeared.

"Good going Spock!" said McCoy proudly. "You fibbed!"

"I did not. I believe you said we should 'have fun'. Did we not, then, have fun?"

McCoy laughed so hard that when they beamed up he had to go to Sickbay to get some medication.

"What's up with him?" asked Kirk in worried tones.

"Merely upset," said Spock, "because we have found the 'happiest place on any planet'. Not Earth, sir, but... well, you know. When do we get our tribbles?"

"I got you guys each one," said Kirk, handing Spock a small tribble.

"Thank you, sir," said Spock. "And I got a bit of 'memorobelia'."

"Oh?"

"You'll see later. In the holodeck. Shall I meet you there at 0700 hours? The rest of the senior crew might wish to come."

"When is 0700 hours?"

"The next scene, Captain."

"Oh. OK."


	8. Vulcan in a Speedo

Disclaimer: Pointed ears are © Spock. Spock is © Star Trek. Star Trek is © Paramount. Paramount is owned by some really rich person. I'm not him. I'm not her. But I can dream, can't I?

HOT DOG

CHAPTER EIGHT: Vulcan in a Speedo

It was 0659.

Kirk headed for the holodeck.

The rest of the senior crew was gathered around the door, chattering animatedly among themselves.

"How the heck did this get here?" asked Sulu. "Holodecks haven't been invented yet!"

"Well the author says they have."

"Who are you?" asked Sulu, perplexed.

"Happi Froggi. I wrote the plot. Deal with it."

"Ok," said Sulu.

You didn't see anything. Splerk.

At 0700, the doors opened.

At 0700, everybody screamed. Everybody. In the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. What they screamed was this- "Vulcan in a Speedo!"

You figure out the rest.


End file.
